PUBLIC SAFETY AND LIABILITY ANNOUNCEMENT
Reported by Jezz
Following the announcement that teleporters will be available to Federation Space Occupants with untested mental capabilities and cognitive reasoning capacities, the Galactic Occupational Safety, Health, Death Avoidance and Re-insurance Network (GOSHDARN) has felt it necessary to issue this public safety announcement and a declaration of policy regarding the use of the aforementioned equipment.
Assurances from the manufacturers and distributors of the teleporter control units that only a modicum of common sense is required to operate this device safely have done nothing to assuage the concerns of GOSHDARN that its member insurance underwriters may suddenly experience a massive increase in claims due to teleporter accidents. It is logical to assume that if common sense actually existed in the universe, there would be little need for GOSHDARN and far fewer irradiated corpses on Titan. Therefore, having decided that "common sense" is non-existent, the insurance underwriters have made the following amendments to all insurance policies in regard to use of teleporters.
Any teleporter accident that occurs while trying to avoid Customs and Excise Officers shall be considered non-claimable.
In the event that the user's particles are spread across the Galaxy and fail to reconstitute into the proper form, the insurer shall make every effort to discover what occurred immediately preceding the failed operation. The insurer is not obligated to compensate the teleporter user if any of the following are deemed to have happened:
1. The claimant uttered the words "Hey... Watch this."
2. The claimant knowingly teleported into a location known to contain Arlene or other hazardous materials.
3. The claimant has expressed a desire to see the interior of the Sun.
4. The claimant attempted to use more than one teleporter control simultaneously just to see what happens.
5. The claimant showed curiosity regarding what might happen if he stuck an appendage outside the teleport field during transfer.
6. The claimant sustained injuries while engaging in "port-by" tickles, hugs, gropes or other antisocial activities.
7. The claimant claimed that "common sense" existed and is therefore mentally suspect.
If a claim is due to a third party teleporting into the claimant's ship and becoming lodged in a bulkhead, the insurer will not be obligated to pay for the removal of the offending party, but will be obligated to supply sufficient hardware or artwork to make the extra mass either useful or decorative.
Only one claim will be considered per teleporter accident. If an insured teleporter user becomes dismembered or decapitated during transfer, the insurer shall, at his sole discretion, decide which body part was of most use to the Universe as a whole and shall compensate that body part based on the relative value of the missing parts.
Lost or stolen teleporter controls must be reported to your insurer and the rental company immediately. Any accident resulting from inappropriate use of a stolen, lost or borrowed teleport control shall be the sole responsibility of the renter, who will be held liable for all damages, charges and harassment or molestation suits filed as a result of unauthorized use.
Claims for missing internal organs will be vigorously investigated to determine if the missing parts were, in fact, present prior to the incident. For instance, claims from Tinmen for missing hearts will be considered suspect. The insurer reserves the right to replace any body parts or organs found to be legitimately missing with any similar body part or organ of lesser cost than the original part provided it will perform approximately the same function. This will include replacing missing parts with previously used parts regardless of the wear and tear on the original part or the source of the replacement. GOSHDARN anticipates that this policy will, in the case of brain replacement, mean that mostly female brains will be used as replacements due to their lower cost. Organ market research indicates that while many previously owned male brains are available for implant, their relatively unused state makes the cost disproportionate to any benefit. This policy is also expected to increase movement in the chocolate and shoe markets as an added benefit.
Finally, if the teleport transfer results in the claimant reappearing in a form that is considered by the insurer to be more aesthetically, intellectually or practically pleasing or desirable than the original form, the insurer may deem it unnecessary to process any claim for the claimant to be returned to the original configuration, regardless of how the claimant feels about becoming a greasy spot on the landing pad.