Inside Scoop - page 2

BAR-HOPPING MADE EASY: THE LYNNEA AND ASTERIX WAY!

As part of our continuing efforts to lay to rest the issues that have plagued the relationship between The Star, and the now Emperor of Rome, Asterix and I decided to have our latest party on Rome, in the Roman bath house. We thought it would a great way to mend the fences, so to speak. Well, Robius had to get in his last little dig by hanging out a sign on the bathhouse wall.

> There is a sudden shimmer, as though you were seeing everything on a hot day, and the location has a new name.
Lynnea and Asterix finally take a Bath.

Well, Asterix and I ignored this little jab, in the interest of peace, and settled in for the party.

ASTERIX: Hmph... At least I came wearing something decent and presentable. That thug - er, I mean Emperor - didn't even have the decency to get dressed that day!

LYNNEA: The party started out slow, with Asterix, Robius and I lounging in the pool. Robius was, as already stated, in the traditional garb of the Roman bathhouse.

> ex Robius
As is the custom here in the Bath, the emperor is naked as he casually lounges or swims in the hot pool. He doesn't seem the least bit embarrassed or modest and warmly welcomes you over to join him.

He wanted all of his guests to wear the same thing, but as far as I know, most resisted.

> Robius says, "Boooo!! You are wearing a swimsuit."
Robius sighs in disappointment.

ASTERIX: Yeah, he's disappointed that his guests have taste. What a surprise!

LYNNEA: Asty, this was a diplomatic affair, we don't want to get banned...

ASTERIX: I don't care, it's not like I'll be going back there any time soon! His tequila was second-rate, and he didn't even put on a decent pair of pants for his guests!

LYNNEA: Oh great, here I thought I could release my lawyer after this, and maybe - JUST MAYBE - actually visit Rome again someday. Anyway, Nolepaul was the first guest to arrive, and like many others, had some trouble with the nano-chameleon clothing technology. He somehow ended up with Indian garb, instead of Roman. I think that technology needs to be revisited.

> ex Nolepaul
NolePaul is decked out in traditional Seminole Indian Warrior gear. He has a maroon turban with a white feather sticking from it. Around his mid section, there is a maroon, cotton shirt. Around his neck are golden feathers

ASTERIX: I guess if you want to get into technicalities, the Seminole Indians and the ancient Romans were around at the same time according to old-Earth history books. Right? Sometime between the years 200 BCE and 2000 BCE according to what they used to teach me in my ancient history classes.

LYNNEA: The only thing that is ancient history right now is our re-invite back to Rome. What did your history teacher tell you about politics and diplomacy? I find it hard to believe you listened in class, considering your note-taking skills. Back on point, the next guest to arrive was Sylvadin, who made it to Captain just in time to join us on Rome. Robius welcomed her warmly, inviting her immediately to make herself at home.

> Robius says, "Hello there, Sylvadin. Welcome to Rome. Slip off your clothing and climb into the water. Or put on a swimsuit if you prefer."

What is it with him and the nudity anyway, Asty?

ASTERIX: It's just the way he is. Ils sont foux les Romains!

LYNNEA: Anyway, Sylvadin opted to remain dressed in what turned out to be the winning suit in the swimsuit fashion show.

> ex Sylvadin
This green-eyed beauty wears a purple halter-top that wraps around her midsection and winds behind her neck. She wears purple and black striped swim bottoms covered by a transparent black sarong.

My partner, Asterix, seemed to have totally forgotten that the party was going to happen in the bathhouse, and came dressed in is usual party hosting gear.

> ex Asterix
Asterix wears his usual party-hosting gear: A pair of loose fitting jeans and an over-sized sweatshirt.

After an offer from the host was extended to Asty to remove his clothing, he had this to say.

> Asterix blushes a little and says, "I don't think I'll be going naked or anything."

I just wanted to know what you meant by "anything" Asty. Was there more on the table, so to speak, than I was made aware of?

ASTERIX: Of course not! I was just affirming the fact that I have a little more class than my Roman counter-part, and that I won't be naked in public any time soon! At least not before a few rounds of tequila!

LYNNEA: Kalandra arrived not very much later, where she promptly began to make out with the Emperor. Or maybe the Emperor was making out with her... either way, it spoke to a possible motive in the yet unresolved death of the deputy.

ASTERIX: That poor deputy. From what I hear, he was a good man. Didn't deserve to go out the way he did, murdered by an Emperor - I mean some random thug. Not Robius. No evidence at all points to the involvement of Robius in any way in the murder of the deputy. Unless you count his admission.

LYNNEA: Anyway, Kalandra, although obviously taken with the Emperor, didn't let him talk HER into any public nudity either.

> Robius says, "Hello there. Welcome to Rome. Slip off your clothing and climb into the water. Or put on a swimsuit if you prefer."

Kalandra says, "Lemme change into my bathing suit and I'll join y'all"

ASTERIX: And thank goodness. I'm glad nobody stooped to his low level and accepted his invitation to party in the nude. At least not before a few rounds of tequila.

LYNNEA: Ix-nay on the oss-gray Asty, we can't have Robius sending his legions out to get us! After all the damages we caused the bath-house this week, Hazed couldn't possibly afford to keep us protected!

ASTERIX: That's a very good point. Where were we? Sometime after Kalandra came in, right?

LYNNEA: Sylvadin then decided it was time to exact revenge on my intrepid reporting partner for some wrongs from there past.

> Sylvadin splashes Asty playfully.
Asterix exclaims, "Hey!"
Asterix asks, "None of that, this place is far too civilized for that, right Robius?"
Sylvadin splashes Asty again.
Sylvadin says, "Just a tip Asty. Even emporers tend to let pretty girls do as they like."
Sylvadin drawls, "Besides I feel I should remind you an instance of some thrown peanuts the last time we were together..."
Asterix frowns and mutters quietly to himself. "That was entirely not me. Nobody has any proof, whatsoever"
Sylvadin says, "Was too"
Sylvadin exclaims, "I had peanuts in my hair for 3 days!"
Lynnea looks through her old notes. "Um, Asty..."
Asterix exclaims, "Unfounded allegations!"
Lynnea shows Asty some notes.
Sylvadin exclaims, "Thanks Lyn!"
Sylvadin looks pointedly at Lynn's notes and pokes Asty.
Asterix sighs and kicks some water in Sylvadin's direction
Lynnea giggles
Sylvadin says, "Oh quit whining and get in the water with me."

ASTERIX: You and your $@#%ing notes! I can't take this anymore! Your notes have done everything to me from getting me nearly whipped to death at the Muddy Waters Lounge on Sumatra, to getting vampires to attack me. I've had enough of this! Your notes are officially banned from our parties!

LYNNEA: Now Asty, calm down and think about this. It was my notes that got us that big fat paycheck last week, remember?

ASTERIX: You got paid?!?! What's going on here!? Anyway, this time your notes almost got me drowned.

> Asterix shakes his head, "No way, I'm not getting in the water."
Lynnea whispers to Syl. "We can pull him in."
Sylvadin whispers to Lynn, "on three"
Lynnea nods to Syl
Sylvadin says, "1"
Lynnea says, "2"
Sylvadin says, "3"
Sylvadin pulls Asty into the water beside her.
Lynnea grabs Asterix and pulls him into the water, ungracefully.
Asterix flails wildly as he gets pulled feet-first into the pool
Kalandra giggles as she manages to avoid the splash
Asterix exclaims, "ackptgh!"
Sylvadin exclaims, "Now start having fun or we'll get rough!"
Sylvadin looks stern.

LYNNEA: After Asty got used to the water, we are all very surprised when we began to hear drums and looked around for the unexpected source.

> Asterix looks around in wild surprise.

Well, actually only Asterix looked around, the rest of us were too busy partying, but as it turned out, Occy had arrived with his entourage of drummers and a man with a bullhorn.

> You hear a drum rolling in the background then over the PA the announcer say "The One And Only Occy has just arrived.
Occy says, "Hi"

With all the fan-fare I was expecting Diesel, or even possibly Bella Herself, so I was quite surprised to see this.

> ex Occy
Wearing only a pair of shorts and a floppy hat

Apparently the entourage cost enough that he can't afford shirts and shoes. I don't know, I'm just saying...

ASTERIX: You know, it might be worth not getting paid if we could just have Hazed give us an entourage like that. Anyway, Sylvadin and I started scheming to figure out how we could be presented like that everywhere we went, but decided that if it was going to cost us our shirts and shoes it probably wasn't worth it. Besides, as Hazed always tells us, "No shirt, no shoes -- What the hell are you doing in my house?!"

LYNNEA: Asty, haven't you noticed that Hazed yells at us regardless of whether or not we have on shirts and shoes? But anyway, that is a little more info than we need to give here. Do we really need to have the "What is appropriate to say" talk again?

ASTERIX: No, I get it this time. Anyway, Sylvadin and I just figured we'd steal a few of the servers from the bath-house, and they could introduce us to crowds wherever we went.

> Lynnea says, "I think Occy travels with a bull horn."
Kalandra giggles
Sylvadin says, "I gotta get one of those."
Asterix marvels and nods, "Me too..."
Sylvadin says, "Maybe we can just hire people to enter rooms before us and shout."
Lynnea says, "That would work too."

LYNNEA: Kalandra soon decided it would be a really good idea to get all the guards present drunk. She had this to say.

> Kalandra says, "One drink won't hurt."

Had it been indeed only one, I don't think it would have hurt much. However, by the end of the evening none of the guards knew who they were there to guard! And neither did Occy's entourage. I think Occy's drummer is on Pantheon as we speak... Of course, that could have been part of Kalandra's plan, she IS trying to force more people to travel to Pantheon.

ASTERIX: Now that just seems preposterous. Why, the last time I hung out with Kalandra, I... Come to think about it, everything is a little hazy and then I woke up on Pantheon...

LYNNEA: See? And it all probably ties in with that poor deputy. We should really do some investigative reporting and get to the bottom of that. If it turns out well, maybe we'll end up with a promotion.

ASTERIX: That sounds like quite the conspiracy theory. We should definitely check it out. And a promotion would be nice, might even mean a paycheck or two.

Anyway, once the drinking started getting pretty heavy, we started the first annual, "Asterix and Lynnea Beer-Goggles Swimsuit Competition." We allowed anyone who wanted to wear a swimsuit enter this competition. And that was a terrible idea on our part, given who entered.

> ex Robius
As is the custom here in the Bath, the emperor is naked as he casually lounges or swims in the hot pool. He doesn't seem the least bit embarrassed or modest and warmly welcomes you over to join him.

I mean, he didn't even change for the swimsuit competition! That picture will forever be burned into my memory as something I will wish I had never seen... Robius, I wish I could quit you.

LYNNEA: Asty! Can we move on? Get over it already! The other entrants in the competition were Kalandra, Jessecka, Sylvadin and Nolepaul.

> ex Kalandra
Kals reddish brown hair is piled high and curly tendrils escape to brush her neck. Her red suit loops over one shoulder and plunges low down the other side. Her bare feet have newly painted toenails that match her suit.

> ex Jessecka
Her little black bikini stretched cute over her little small bulge of a tummy, Jess smiles at you. Her red hair is pulled back in a simple ponytail, and her bare toes painted red.

> ex Sylvadin
This green-eyed beauty wears a purple halter top that wraps around her midsection and winds behind her neck. She wears purple and black striped swim bottoms covered by a transparent black sarong.

> ex Nolepaul
NolePaul is wearing a mid thigh length swim suit. It is Garnet with Seminole Heads all over it.

ASTERIX: It was a tough decision to be sure, and required a lot of studying of the various photographs I had taken.

LYNNEA: Studying indeed! According to my notes, you were - well...

> Asterix examines the pictures closely
Sylvadin wipes a bit of drool from Asty's chin.

ASTERIX: Oh come on! It was water! We were in a pool, for crying out loud!

LYNNEA: Stick to that story, Asty. Anyway, after all the votes were tallied, we had some pretty startling results:

> Lynnea drawls, "Ok, the runner up is....."
Nolepaul sneezes loudly.
Asterix exclaims, "Robius!!!"
Lynnea exclaims, "Robius!"
Jessecka exclaims, "yay!!!"
Lynnea laughs
Jessecka has given Robius a warm kiss.
Robius exclaims, "woohoo!!"
Sylvadin applauds
Kalandra applauds

ASTERIX: That definitely had something to do with the beer goggles. Luckily, the voters rectified their mistake when they chose the winner.

> Lynnea drawls, "And the winner of the contest is....."
Asterix exclaims, "Sylvadin!!"
Lynnea yells Sylvadin!!
Sylvadin squeals!!
Jessecka exclaims, "yay!!!"
Kalandra exclaims, "congrats Sylvadin!"
Jessecka has given Sylvadin a hearty hug.
Sylvadin has given Lynnea a firm snog.
Sylvadin has given Asterix a fervent snog.

LYNNEA: What was with the snogging there? She had already won. Had she snogged us BEFORE the contest I could see it, but... Wait, Asty, did she snog you before the contest?

ASTERIX: Well... I never said I was above a little influencing...

LYNNEA: That just isn't ethical, Asty. We can't go around letting people snog us willy nilly. We are important, in the public eye, figure-heads. We need to keep our noses clean.

ASTERIX: Anyway, with Sylvadin winning the first of two slithies to be given out at our party, we had but one event remaining that night: The themed Gladiator Battle.

LYNNEA: This was shaping up to be a very exciting match, between two fighters with very different styles: Nolepaul was fighting in the style of a Native American Seminole warrior, and Kalandra in that of a Roman Legionnaire.

ASTERIX: It sure was, and after a valiant effort, and a little bit of a hair-cut for Kalandra, it was over. Kalandra was proclaimed the winner by a vote of the impartial judges who had watched the whole match. However, because of the sportsmanship shown by both competitors, two slithies were given out, one for each of them.

LYNNEA: I don't know if that was exactly sportsmanship, or just drunken generosity on your part, Asty.

ASTERIX: Either way it doesn't matter, I'm down two slithies now. After the competitions were ended, everybody was pretty tired, and nobody seemed to want to get in the hair with the now-bald Kalandra. So once again, Lynnea and I survived another party, with great thanks to our guest-host, the naked Robius.

So remember kids, if you're going to have a gladiator battle, you might want to do it before you start your drinking for the night.

LYNNEA: And unless you need a very VERY close haircut, steer clear of Nolepaul!

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