Fed II Star - May 28, 2006

A MONKEY'S TALE - PART 2

So there I was, a semi-reluctant groundhog logged into Fed for the very first time in September 1988. Things were a little different back then I can tell you. There was no friendly welcoming committee ready to direct a new player to where he or she needed to be. Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of players who would help groundhogs out with advice and directions but generally there was a very healthy attitude of "come on then, show us what you got". All the info was available to newbies but they were expected to show some initiative of their own.

The Idiot's Guide, which contained all one needed to get going, was still very much in its infancy; but regardless of that the majority of new players had some prior experience of multi-user games and some felt it beneath them to turn to the guide. With my vast experience of mere months of MUD I felt that I was a seasoned pro and I could quickly make mincemeat of this soft-touch game. I certainly didn't need to read any instructions.

Armed only with a list of commands, I logged in to what can be best described as a slanging match. I can't remember who the protagonists were but the airwaves were alive with accusation and counter-accusation, insult and counter-insult all littered richly with jaw-dropping profanity. As a fourteen-year-old, I thought this was fantastic. Things got even better moments later when a ruck started in Sol, sending one of the combatants to the hospital. He promptly logged out to avoid an ambush on the way to re-insure (the insurance office was on Venus back then). The furore died down and I took the opportunity to introduce myself. I decided to let them know my intentions right from the start and gave it the big "I am" on the comms. I can't remember for certain but I probably gave them my full list of "achievements" in MUD as way of introduction. No-one said very much. Good, that's them told; now I just needed to begin my swift and meteoric rise to the top. It was at this point that a player appeared alongside me; her name was Cryptosporidium. She handed me something, smiled and then vanished. I checked my inventory and found myself carrying something called "Tdx". I examined it, decided that it sounded dangerous and dropped it. That was the end of my first character.

I created my character again and logged in. The hyenas in the gallery were still laughing about my demise. I bristled, determined to prove myself. I found my way to the permit office, got a ship and headed back to the landing pad. Another player, whose name I can't remember, arrived and told me to make sure I insured myself. I asked how to do that and was told to orbit and then keep going south until I found the insurance office. I duly followed these instructions. That was the end of my second character as I flew headlong into the sun.

I re-created my character and logged in again. I got my permit and bought another ship and, yep you've guessed it, a third player appeared before me. Her name was Roxanne and she apologised for the behaviour of the other two before telling me that the insurance office was actually on Titan, "follow me", she said. Following her consisted of her saying "north" and then disappearing. I would go north and there she would be with another instruction. In this way, we got to Titan and I was well on my way to getting my insurance. "Not far now", she promised, "south". By this time I was well into the swing of things and duly went south, headfirst into Transuranics. That was the end of my third character.

Now, I know what you are thinking: "you idiot! How come you kept falling for it!" And I wish I had a decent answer for you. I was young and tended to take people at their word. Talking of which, someone just told me that they have removed the word gullible from the dictionary. I must remember to look it up later after I finish emailing that nice African gentleman my bank details so that I can help him get his hands on his family fortune.

Anyway, I recreated my character again! Got my permit and my ship and bravely headed out to Venus where I had since discovered that the insurance office was located. The place was eerily quiet and my attempt to raise anyone on the comms failed. I satisfied myself that they had all become bored with me and gone back to whatever it was they were doing before I arrived. I found the insurance office, insured myself and then decided to head back to Earth. En route, I received a message from Roxanne apologising for her little joke earlier and offering to pay off my ship loan as compensation. I told her to get stuffed. She replied that I could either slave away for weeks paying off my loan or she could give me the money immediately to enable me to really get moving up the ranks. I accepted. She told me to meet her east of Earth so that she could transfer the money to my account, explaining that if the transfer was conducted in space I wouldn't have to pay tax on the transfer. So I navigated east of Earth and waited. It was at this point that six ships entered the sector and I slapped my forehead as the feeling of déjà vu washed painfully over me. I have no idea who fired first or indeed who got the fateful shot in but before I could say, "flinging-flanging hell" I woke up in hospital. Laughter echoed around Fed as the players congratulated each other. I scanned quickly down the command list before I found the one I was looking for. Pausing to fling some abuse on the comms, I typed "suicide" and hit return.

Later that night, as I lay in bed, my mind started to process the chain of events that led to my untimely end. By the time morning arrived I had realised a few home truths and made a decision to re-enter Fed. Before school that morning I printed out the relevant sections of the Idiot's Guide along with all the maps and studied them at lunchtime. By the time school ended I was so excited to put my newfound knowledge into practice that I probably ran all the way home. I eagerly logged into Fed (under a different name of course) and kept my head down as I busied myself with the day-to-day activities of a new Commander.

Looking back on that unfortunate episode always brings a smile to my face. Firstly I am glad that I was able to provide such entertainment for a group of people who went on, in some cases, to be friends. I am also glad that I learned a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on very little and acting upon those assumptions. Being an impressionable young thing, I learned much from my fellow Fedders in those days. Much of it can not be discussed in polite company (or anywhere else for that matter) but some of it was extremely useful. Oh and it always pays to read the flipping manual.