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The
weekly newsletter for the Fed II game by ibgames EARTHDATE: March 19, 2006 INSIDE
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 BAR-HOPPING MADE EASY, THE LYNNEA AND ASTERIX WAY! It's probably not a good idea, but that's why it's saved for special occasions. The Bar Crawl - an event in which one person, usually celebrating something important, goes with his or her friends to as many bars as possible. The group determines a specific amount of time to spend at each bar, and any friend who gets left behind gets forgotten for the night. The special occasion: Zadymka promoted from trader and became the CEO of A Penchant For Pelf Llc. The plan: A half hour at each of Sol's most prominent bars. The Bridge, The Urban Spaceman Bar, Minnie and Maxie's Champaign Bar, The Starship Cantina, The Lucky Seven Saloon, Chez Diesel, Fedruckers, and Art's Bistro. To make sure our readership gets the full experience – because I know I don't remember most of it – I will be accompanied in writing this by Lynnea. The Bernstein to my Woodward, the Robin to my Batman, the Watson to my Sherlock Holmes, the Dan Quayle to my George Bush Sr. Except her spelling is a lot better.
Asterix: Ah, our wild and reckless night had finally begun. Lynnea and I checked to make sure our tape recorders were working and that we had enough paper and pens to last us until the end of the crawl. We were each determined not to be the first person left behind. I had some problems with my tabi, but came in just in time to see Gwaptiva changing behind the Globe. After a quick check to make sure we each had our designated driver-droid, Zadymka pulled a bottle of tequila out from underneath her dress! Her long flowing skirts would prove to be very useful before the night was through. Lynnea: Once we finally made it to Pearl, I had to wait as Asterix learned all over again to tie his tabi-strings. Zadymka was at the Bridge to greet us, and welcomed us warmly. Having dressed in the latest fashion of MOM descript clothing I felt like I was styling. That changed abruptly after seeing Zadymka however. She looked stunning!
Since Asterix and I had coordinated our outfits, I didn't feel totally out of place. Apparently this was not so for Gwaptiva who promptly ducked behind the globe to change. I noticed that the globe was not sufficient cover for his – shall we say – girth, and quickly took notes as the changing unfolded. Asterix, however, didn't feel that my copious notes, including a play-by-play of his struggling with his zipper, were pertinent to this article. Gwaptiva managed to program an excellent nano-tech suit that did indeed seem more fitting to Zadymka's theme of dress. I gotta say here though, that as stylish as they both were, and with the tabi they were wearing, well, can you say "Clash"?
After changing, Gwaptiva proposed a lovely toast to the guest of honor.
Everyone raised a glass and the party was underway. As more and more people filed in it became clear that it would be a wild one. This was quickly confirmed as talk went from business ownership to the fine art of cutting lemon wedges for tequila shots. Zadymka was quick to point out that the thicker lemon wedges repel scurvy far more effectively, noting however that with enough tequila shots the scurvy would simply run away. This brought about the final toast on the Pearl bridge, proposed by my very own reporting partner.
At this point, it became clear that it would be totally unnecessary to move on to other bars, and possibly even unsafe, but I decided not to voice my opinion to that effect just yet. Asterix: Unnecessary? Did you see the pile of lemon wedges that were building up in that corner? We could have fallen right into it. I personally am glad we got out of there, anyway, that black cat was all over me, and I started getting worried about how the night would turn out.
Asterix: The second stop on our bar crawl saw a subtraction from our group which was quickly remedied as Gwaptiva arrived with the Globe from the Bridge. Upon Globey's return, there was much rejoicing, and there was much tequila to go around. Around this time, the third bottle of tequila was just emptying, and everyone continued to throw their lime and lemon wedges into the same corner. Mentallyhayzed clambered up into that corner to declare himself the King of Righteous Fruity-ness. And there was much rejoicing. Also at about this time, Lynnea and I were having a tough time deciding whether or not we were ready to take on the Urban Spaceman's table, for a nice round of drunken singing. We decided the table looked a little too tough for us, and thought better of it for the rest of the night. Lynnea: As we headed into the Urban Spaceman, I thought I should put a bit of a swagger in my step to keep with the urban spaceman theme. As I slowed down to adjust my walk, Asterix promptly ran into me, knocking the both of us through the door, and onto the floor. My hopes of a really cool entrance went promptly up in smoke, along with any chances of us being taken as serious reporters. Asterix: It's not my fault, you stopped short, what was I supposed to do? Lynnea: Well let me think, how about detach yourself from my shirt and not follow two inches behind me? ANYWAY, not long after we got situated in the bar, Gaffed did a shot of tequila that included throwing salt over his shoulder and squeezing a lime wedge into my face. The lime juice caused a temporary blindness so I can't really add to what Asterix said about what happened there. The only thing I am certain of is that Jinto bought a round of suspicious blue liquid, and a very large pile of fruit began to form in one corner of the bar. Some would say that these two things were unrelated, but I'm not so sure. I heard Zadymka start yelling about garden gnomes and took her distraction as an opportunity to rummage around in her magical skirt for another bottle of tequila to help soothe my burning eyes. Luckily, it worked and by the time we were ready to move on, my eyes were in much better shape. Well, other then the seeing double thing. Asterix: Lucky for you, that was our best opportunity to get rid of you all night... Lynnea: Oh, you're all big shot now, but when you were attached to my shirt and following me from bar-to-bar, where was this attitude? Asterix: ... Lynnea: I thought so, tell them about Magellan.
Asterix: After having gone a few rounds with our good friend Jose Cuervo, Lynnea and I found it quite difficult to find the bar we were looking for on Magellan. I think I remember stopping somewhere along the way to pick up something really macho. When we finally found our way, we needed to sit down and take a few good drinks. The prices were not reasonable at all, but I didn't worry. Since I'm a reporter, I remembered on the spot that we were given permission to bill the Fed II Star and charge our champagne to our expense accounts. Lynnea: On the way to Minnie and Maxie's, we got a bit lost. I don't mind taking the blame for it, as I was still seeing double from the squirt of lime in the eyes. But the only reason we were late is because Asterix insisted on shopping at Toys for Boys. It wouldn't have been so bad if he had bought something cool, but a stuffed bear? Anyway, when we did finally make it to Minnie and Maxie's, Prometheus had just treated everyone to a very expensive bottle of champagne which Maxie himself served to us, at what I'm sure was an outrageous extra cost. After catching a glance at the bill, Asterix and I pretty much freaked out at the cost of it. We talked amongst ourselves for what must have been 15 minutes about whether or not we had an expense account with this gig. I assured Asterix that Hazed wouldn't leave us out on our own in this, and Asterix came up with a story about probation and an unlimited expense account that Hazed couldn't possibly deny if it was printed, so I went along with it. That ended the panic and we drank up several bottles during the rest of our 30 minutes there. Yartrebo became very vocal about how drunk he was, and how the room seemed to be spinning. It took a bit of time for the realization to hit that Magellan does indeed spin. Apparently, he took this to mean that he wasn't drunk after all and began to party like it was star date: 199999:9999. As is the case with most events with which alcohol is involved, misunderstandings are bound to occur. This night was no exception. I won't claim to remember all the dirty details, but let's just say it started with Gwaptiva referring to Asterix and I as reprobates. We were actually quite pleased with this until Asterix looked it up in the dictionary. Zadymka yelled for someone to keep the reprobates away from her garden gnomes so we could only assume that she agreed with Gwaptiva. Asterix and I glared at them both, and then ordered Gwaptiva tea and crumpets. This was meant as an insult, but he seemed quite delighted which only annoyed us more. It wasn't long after, that Gwaptiva disappeared in a puff a smoke, not to be seen again for the rest of the night. Hey, I'm not saying that we have any special powers or anything. But could this really be a coincidence? Asterix: I still think the tea and crumpets were a hilarious bit, the joke was just too high class for him. Lynnea: I agree whole-heartedly, most jokes tend to go over his head, despite the fact that he's unnaturally tall.
Asterix: I had to go back and collect my good friend Globey, whom Gwaptiva left on Magellan. Because of this, I walked into the Cantina just as Lynnea was explaining what a Flaming Orgy was to Prometheus. After this, we listened as she not only explained what a body-shot was, but gave us all a very vivid demonstration on a poor waitdroid that just happened by as she finished her verbal explanation. Lynnea: I know that there are some rumors about my conduct with a certain droid that works here in the Cantina. I have no comment other than to say, "Lies all Lies" It was here that I first realized I had begun to pour all my drinks into a pitcher. While this would have been fine for say, ale or wine, I seemed to have everything from lemon wedges to ice cream in there. The concoction looked a bit nasty, but seemed to be a big hit. Prometheus put more ice cream in there and Zadymka tossed in more fruit. Everyone sampled it and the effects were scary. Especially for Asterix who seemed to develop an eye for fashion after hitting it several times. He and Jinto discussed the finer points of the "To Tuck Or Not To Tuck" issue of their t-shirts while everyone else learned how to do body shots off a droid. I can't remember who taught that class, only that I'm 100% certain it wasn't me. Asterix: Zadymka let a droid loose at that point that scolded me in very motherly tones for a wide array of things, from drinking too much tequila to not calling my own mother often enough. Thankfully, Zadymka retrieved her droid before I was tempted too far to call my parents and apologize for being a terrible son. Lynnea: Prometheus, Gaffed, Jinto and Asterix all fell down more than once which was our cue to move on to another bar. Off to The Lucky Seven we went. I was thankful no flying was involved to get there.
Asterix: This was our second stop on Earth, and the only time we spent more than a half-hour on any planet. We all made it to The Lucky Seven with the exception of Prometheus who faded into stasis when he tried to walk. We stumbled into a private gathering of a few staff members who shall remain nameless - at least for now. At this point, Furgas had joined the party and brought his usual array of blood-filled drinks. I, having had quite a few drinks at the time, had to ask for clarification on how to spell his name. Well, I had to make sure I'd get it right, didn't I? Needless to say, I failed miserably at spelling his name, and offended him quite heavily. I latched onto Lynnea, my escort, who attempted to cut a hole in her brand new T-Shirt, while Furgas threatened to end my life. Again, needless to say, this intrepid reporter was not scared even for a moment. Lynnea: Not scared for a moment? This is where Asterix nearly got me killed by totally antagonizing Lord Furgas, a well known vampire. Well known to all but Asterix, apparently. As Asterix insulted him again and again by misspelling his name, Zadymka only made matters worse by pulling larger and larger types of fruit out of that damnable skirt for Furgas to use as ammo against Asterix. How did this become a problem for me you ask? Let's just say that Asterix was stuck to my shirt. Literally!
Asterix: We planned on spending a good half hour at CDs the SC of the SS, but Nightdroid followed us there from the Lucky Seven Saloon and tried to spoil our fun. Nightdroid reduced CDs to a pile of dirt and some smoldering rubble! Luckily, however, the spiral staircase leading to the Chez Diesel roof was left intact, and we continued our party upstairs. Nightdroid told us that we deserved it for getting him drunk. Also, at this point, Lynnea accused me of engaging in lewd acts over the Tight Beam comms system, but these allegations have as yet gone unfounded. Lynnea: We all arrived at Chez Diesel with happiness and good will on our minds. For those who have never been there, or haven't seen it in a while, it's a really lovely place. We all ordered drinks and got settled in for our 30 minute stay when our whole world collapsed around us. It is impossible to explain what happened so let me just show you.
So there we all were, sitting in the dirt, with no obvious explanation as to why. Everyone had their own conspiracy theory of course, but no one knew for sure until we spotted Nightdroid leaving the scene:
We milled aimlessly around on the ruins that were Chez Diesel, until Asterix discovered that miraculously, the roof-top garden had survived the destruction. Everyone somehow found their way up there and we continued the party. Albeit somewhat traumatized. I was far too drunk for another transfer, and Asterix was too. But he insisted that he wasn't so I unattached him from my shirt and reattached him to Honoria's. She promised to take good care of him for me, so I sent her off with instructions for care. 1. Don't let him forget
Globey As far as I know everything went ok, although I have heard that Furgas threatened to put him in a cage. Frankly, this may have been for the best. Asterix: Not only was this not for the best, but I would really like to get out of my cage now.
Asterix: Of course, one of the greatest spots for any bar crawl to end up, Fedruckers! This was my last stop with the bar crawl, but they continued on to Titan and to Rhea. In Fedruckers, I had to stick with Honoria, because Lynnea had left me at this point - something about an extra scuff mark on her Sketchers, but I think she was just angry that I can hold my liquor much better. Lynnea: ... Asterix: Anyway, at this point, Zadymka showed off her lemon-wedge flicking skills as she flicked a wedge from our table all the way to the far corner of the restaurant, but Furgas who had been lurking in that dark corner kicked the wedge back to our table. This gave us all a start, especially me, because Furgas had tried to MURDER me just a few bars earlier. I bade my farewell to everyone before the half hour was up, partially because I couldn't tell which way was up anymore, but mostly because I didn't need to be around Furgas any longer. The next thing I remember is that I woke up in the spaceport dormitory on Earth; apparently one of my former so-called friends had reported me to the police. Lynnea: That's not what happened at all! When I finally pulled myself together (sobered up) enough to rejoin the party, they had moved to Arts Bistro on Rhea. I had every intention of heading over there, but when I landed my shuttle I found Asterix passed out, in a heap, on the LP. I was loathe to leave there like that so I sat with him and rocked his head in my lap. Well not really, but I did stand guard though as there were many thieving stevedores milling around. I was relieved when Gwaptiva returned to the Galaxy and stood watch with me. Gwaptiva, not quite over the fact that Asterix and I had sent him to stasis in that odd puff of smoke, really wasn't feeling altogether generous with his time however. He tried to awaken Asterix with smelling salts but to no avail. At this point I felt I had no other choice but to have Asterix removed from the LP. I called the nightwatch and reported my dear friend as a vagrant. I can only hope they were gentle with him. Asterix: Gentle, ha! I woke up with a shoe missing, my hat bent out of shape and blood all over my shirt! If that's not nightwatch treating me like dirt, I'll donate all my money to the Temple of Gaelaan! Lynnea: Well, the blood on your shirt was from when you insulted Furgas on Earth, the hat got bent when you fell on top of me on Venus, and the shoe... Well, aren't you always missing a shoe? Asterix: I guess that's why they say, "Never make bets in bars." Lynnea: And remember, stay away from insulting those vampires! Until next time, Fedders, we are your intrepid party-goers, signing off. |
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