Fed II Star - January 22, 2006

ROCKING WITH THE HAMSTERS
by Vorlar

Many of you might not know this, but your friendly newsdroid Vorlar is quite the accomplished guitar player. I've been playing for quite some time, taking lessons and improving my talent.

"So what?"

I knew you'd be thinking that! So, needless to say I was concerned over a recent injury to Slim's fingers, which I had heard prevented him from playing guitar. This was tempered, though, by the excitement I felt reading the announcement that they were seeking a temporary replacement guitarist!

"Today!" I shrieked aloud as I read the clipping in the Star. "But I haven't had time to practice!"

Without time to worry about the trivialities, I rushed to my closet to find something to wear. Of course, as previously documented, I'm a lazy newsdroid and didn't bother to do laundry. Well, if the Hamsters wanted Vorlar, they were getting Vorlar in some old jeans and a... you guessed it... Hamsters t-shirt.

"Very original," I thought.

Throwing caution (and fashion) to the wind, I pulled on my sneakers, grabbed my guitar and headed for the Duff Modem to audition.

"Big break, here I come," I thought, "Tell Hazed to take this journalist gig and shove it, I'm gonna be a rock star!"

Boy, did I have no idea what I was getting myself into.

The line for the Duff Modem stretched all the way down the road past Armstrong Cuthbert. I flashed my media credentials as I weaved my way around the raucous crowd waiting to get inside and flash their stuff. Some of them were a little suspicious as to why an "esteemed" member of the press need carry a guitar to cover a story.

"Getting it signed for a sick little kid on Marina!" I yelled.

"Err, yeah. Marina." I thought.

I finally squeezed my way in to the bar and shoved my way to the front of the line. Nobody was going to get in between me and my big debut, that was for sure. I nearly squealed in delight when I saw Slim, Otis and Zsa Zsa sitting at the bar.

I leapt up on the stage and plugged my guitar into the amp.

"Who in the bloody hell is this wanker on stage?" Slim demanded.

"I don't know, but you're on his t-shirt," Zsa Zsa quipped.

The three burst out in hysterical laughter, turning back to the bar and their stack of applications.

"Umm... I'm here to audition," I said meakly.

"What? Speak up, then," Slim said.

"I'm HERE to AUDITION," I said, as if talking to a convention for the hearing impaired.

"Do we HAVE your APPLICATION?" Otis asked, mocking me.

"Umm, no, but..." I stammered.

"End of the line, kid," Slim said.

My frustration began to well up in me. I did the only thing I knew how to do, and started playing "Only Rock 'n Roll," strumming and singing my heart out.

The three turned around to the familiar sound, nodding their heads in unison.

"He's really good," Zsa Zsa observed.

Slim nodded. "Play something else," he said.

I tore into the bluesy sound of "Little Fine and Healthy Thing," doing my best Earthy blues impression and stage dramatics.

Otis chuckled and looked away. I guess I overdid it.

"Look kid, you can play," Slim said, "But you don't exactly LOOK like one of the Hamsters, you know what I mean?"

"I don't normally dress like this, I..." I began, but Otis cut me off.

"Well go get some new clothes and an application and hit that line, and come rock for us again."

I unplugged my guitar and hopped down. I nodded slowly, then headed for the door and down the street.

"Rock for us again," I thought, "To rock AGAIN you must first rock!"

I knew I wasn't going back there. Not waiting in that line and filling out that application, just to be rejected. I kind of pitied all hundreds of people waiting, knowing that all but one would feel rejected and worthless when the auditions were over.

Because me, I didn't have anything to feel rejected and worthless about.

"I rocked the Hamsters," I thought with a smirk while boarding my shuttle home, "How about that."